Is this REALLY me??

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My Greatest Sadness.

I have found myself, at the age of 62
In a place that I never thought I’d be
I have a husband, children, and grandchildren. Let me tell you a little about me……

My mind is in a fog, my days seem empty
No longer can I work – the future seems bleak My memory is going, and anxiety now haunts me Every day it’s just normality that I seek

I have been very active in the community through my life I  have run a business and worked in accounts I have volunteered for several worthwhile charities And just generally tried to be a kind person that counts.

But my ‘normal’ has changed so drastically As I wake in the morning my mind is racing Worrying about things that I really don’t need to It’s as though my brain is just constantly pacing

I am concerned about things that once would be trivia My heart is heavy as I think of the weeks ahead I am trying so hard to be productive and active When sometimes I just want to stay in my bed

I have so much love around me yet my heart is heavy I cry for no reason, tears flow easily these days This feeling I have just will not go away And yet I try to shake it in so many ways…

I have become reliable on my husband to be there Long days when he is at work make me sad I know this is not realistic and it’s silly But long days without him sometimes drive me mad

So this is my life now, and I fear I’m not coping I know the things I should do, but it seems hard Most of my friends are still working and productive All I think of is that I got the ‘joker’ card…….

“Write your poetry’ they all say will good intentions But my headaches make it hard to concentrate And there are only so many cups of coffee you can have Lucky me, I get stamps on my loyalty card after eight..

My house is clean and tidy, but that’s nothing new But I’ve now time to do the ‘extra’ little jobs we overlook I’ve been to the local library – but my headaches persist So at the moment it’s not a ‘pleasant’ task reading a book……

My regular outings are to the Doctor these days That’s a bit sad, but at least I get out and about Breakfast on Saturday with the girls is always good But I know that my bubbly personality is a little bit ‘in doubt’.

“Alzheimer’s” – it’s no fun I can tell you But when these ‘headaches’ get sorted I’ll be right I will probably ‘forget’ that I felt so rotten And will hopefully have the energy to put up a fight

But I have to acknowledge, it ‘is’ what it ‘is’
Every swear word in the dictionary won’t help me now So I just have to , as they say, SUCK IT UP!!
I’ll try and fight this thing with a great big ‘KAPOW!!!!!!’
My main sadness is what this means to my husband After 44 years together we are still madly in love I fear him being all by himself one day And me only looking down at him from above.

I know I have to bring myself out of this fog It’s only early days yet, there are still many days to come But I have taken the same path as my dear mother In a nursing home with Alzheimer’s – bless you mum.

Jan Ritchie     ©2015